What are boundaries? And why are they helpful?
Boundaries. You may have seen this word, as it often appears in mental health posts, but what is it? Do you need to put them into place? And how?
Put simply, boundaries are limits used to protect your mental wellbeing. These look like rules and limitations you set for yourself. And they can be applied to different areas of your life. Boundaries, like everything in life, require a level of balance. There are healthy and unhealthy boundaries, which will be explained.
"boundaries are limits used to protect your mental wellbeing"
An example of a healthy boundary; you wish to be treated with respect, so you decline to engage with someone if they are swearing at you, or talking to you aggressively. You set this healthy boundary by verbally saying "I am sorry but I will not serve you while you are swearing at me. Treat me with respect and I will help you". This is not confrontational, this is defining what you will accept and will teach others how they can treat you.
The objective of this is to have self-control and to protect your wellbeing. You cannot control others, but you have a say in the dynamic you wish to be engaged in. Without healthy boundaries, it is easy to fall into situations in which we are not treated with respect, as we have allowed this behaviour to become normal.
"you have a say in the dynamic you wish to be engaged in"
Boundaries can be divided in different categories such as physical (personal space), emotional (sharing personal information), time (limit time to various people), intimacy (to hug someone or not) and material (your items). You can set different limits of each of these to different people and settings.
A key to doing boundaries well is balance. Without boundaries you can find yourself never saying "no" and end up struggling with your wellbeing due to things such as burnout. But if boundaries are too rigid you may be too closed off and limit yourself connection with others.
"Without boundaries you can find yourself never saying "no""
Importantly, it is your responsibility to keep a boundary in place. If, for example, you agree and set a boundary of working five days a week but your employer regularly schedules you to work six, the boundary has been undone. If you have had an open dialogue of the boundary and they still continue not to meet it, it is for you to decide if you should leave and work in a better environment. Again, you cannot control what others do, but you can take control of the situation by trying to implement the rule, and by leaving if this is repeatedly ignored. This is initially challenging, however it becomes empowering as you are taking more control over your life.
Counselling can be helpful for establishing boundaries, not just through the sessions where there is discovery of areas in which you may need to assert them. But counselling has a structure set out in the agreed contract between therapist and client which lays out how to engage with each other. This will be such as the date and time of sessions, how you can contact outside of sessions etc. The relationship is also fixed as a professional one, so that keeps boundaries from getting mixed by meeting outside of sessions. This can be a great foundation to implement boundaries into your wider life.
How are you with boundaries? Too loose? Too rigid? Or just right?
What boundary could you put in place as a starting point?
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